Posts
I would have to say our journey began about 3 1/2 years ago. Isaac had just turned two and Matt and I had decided to get going on baby #3. Now for most couples this is a relatively easy process as old as Adam and Eve. We had run into a few challenges along the way to getting our boys, but thought we had the problem solved: Take Chlomid, get pregnant, check.
First we decided to buy some Chlomid in Mexico. It was cheaper, and probably the same stuff, right? Well, a few months of that didn't work so I went into my OB and got a prescription for the real FDA approved full-price stuff. Still, no luck. So we added ultrasounds to watch how all of my innards were responding and all looked well. Nothing.
Next step, perganol. Now this lovely drug is substantially more expensive than Chlomid and must be injected into deep tissue (i.e. my glutteous maximus). Worth it, anything for that next baby I just knew was on it's way. These daily shots, injected by my stalwart partner and husband Matt, were not my favorite, but only lasted 10-12 days. I also went in for ultrasounds every other day to check the progress of all the developing follicles (small sacs in which eggs grow) and when they were large enough I was given another shot to make the eggs release.
Add sperm, make baby. Or so I thought. We tried this method for a few months with no results and became thoroughly disheartened with the entire process. It was painful, time-consuming, expensive, and worst of all, I was emotionally done.
So we decided to take a break. Don't worry about it. Let nature take it's course. "You'll get pregnant as soon as you stop trying". Many well-meaning friends tried to console me with stories of other friends who had miraculously gotten pregnant on their own as soon as they stopped trying. Word to the wise, no one trying to get pregnant wants to hear these stories unless they happen to be one of those few who this works for.
Meanwhile, the inevitable questions started coming. "When are you going to have another one?", "you guys make such cute kids, you should have more", "your boys would be such cute big brothers", and the like. Well-meaning people said many hurtful things not realizing how hard we were trying. No one (except Matt) knew how I cried every month and how hard it was for me to watch everyone else try, conceive, grow and deliver while I continued to wait. I did have my boys, and for that I was immeasurably grateful, but the ache was still there.
I wondered why. Was I not doing enough? Was I not reading my scriptures enough or praying enough? Was there a reason Heavenly Father didn't want me to have any more children? I knew it was a righteous desire and I just couldn't understand why teenagers around me could get pregnant and I couldn't. It didn't seem fair.
Next we turned to adoption. We had prayed about this option and felt really good. We paid our down payment, had the home visit, did our couple and separate interviews, went to the classes, all of it. Finally, after 4 or 5 long months we were done with the process and our file was out there for all of the birth moms to see. Surely someone would look at our sweet family and decide their baby was meant to join us... We waited and we waited. I thought about all of the sweet couples we had met during our classes. Many of them had been married for as long or longer than Matt and I had. They could have the babies, we could wait.
This was a good period for me. I felt at peace and knew we were doing all we could. If it was the Lord's will we have more children, we would. If not, well, I had the two best boys in the entire world and a husband who had loved me through all the crazy emotional roller coaster of getting them and trying for this elusive baby #3.
But alas, my peace did not last. I grew antsy again and was no longer satisfied to simply sit and wait. I went back to me OB and got my Chlomid prescription filled- again. Months went by. Nothing. I went up to U to their reproductive clinic and had a few tests done. They suggested artificial insemination (we had tried this before), and we decided to try it again. Still no luck. Frustrated by the lack of continuity and the endless bills from the U, I again returned to my OB to try my luck at the perganol again. A few months of this and I was an emotional wreck again. I didn't know what to do.
One night I was surfing the internet looking up infertility and reading everything I could find. (I sometimes did this to make me feel like I was doing more) I came across another infertility clinic here in Sandy and decided to make an appointment to talk to one of the doctors there. Just getting in the door for a consult was a $200 fee but I was desperate and Matt was willing, so in we went.
The day was March 3 and my first contact with one of the doctors was at 8 o'clock that morning though my appointment wasn't until 11. I got a phone call saying he was overscheduled and could we meet later in the day? Now this was new for me. At the U, at my OB, I rarely saw or spoke to an actual doctor, only the nurses. And here was this doctor, calling me himself to reschedule. I was impressed.
So later Matt and I went in and met with Dr. Blauer. He seemed really nice and looked through my entire record (which, believe me, was quite large by this time) and talked to us for an entire hour. He just answered questions and gave us his best advice, which was this: He said we could continue with the perganol and artificial insemination but he gave us about a 6% chance of getting pregnant each month with that route. It could work, but more than likely it wouldn't. He basically told us our only real hope at this point was in vitro.
I was devastated. I knew, of course, what in vitro was. I also knew how much it cost. $9000 for one try and only 50% chance it would work. The other option was called a shared risk program where you pay $21,000 and you get to try in vitro 4 times. If you get pregnant, fabulous. If not, you get your money back. Matt would never go for it. Let me say this about Matt. He was happy with our boys. He would have been good to just have them. But he loves me. He saw how much the desire for another child was eating at me and bless him, he loved me through it all. But. Matt can also be the cheapest man alive. There was NO WAY he would consent to that much money. Not a chance. He loves me yes, but enough was enough.
Or so I thought.
My dear sweet husband asked me what I thought of the whole visit. I told him I was upset. I wanted another child, I felt our family wasn't complete. We had done everything we could have possibly done with the exception of in vitro. Then my Matt said to me, "well, I don't want to gamble. If we're going to do this, let's do the 4 times or you get your money back option". If we're going to do this? Was he serious? I cried and hugged him. All for me. All to make me happy. That, my friends is love. We prayed about it and felt good about our decision. This was it. If it didn't work we could truly say we had done everything we could do and feel that was our answer.
First came all the testing. Apparently they need to make sure you're not on drugs or riddled with disease before they let you get pregnant. Fine. Then came the pill. This part was strange to me. I don't get pregnant, that's why we were trying in vitro, but first I have to go on the pill to "rest" my ovaries for a month. So in April we rested.
Then came my goodie box in the mail. Boy did that look fun.
All full of shots and drugs... for me.
I learned a lot about myself and my tolerance for needles during this point.
I was able to do the small needle ones that just went into the fat (stomach or back of the arm), but Matt had to do the deep tissue ones later on.
I had a whole bunch of drugs I had to mix all together and that was actually fairly interesting. 10 units of this, 5 of that...
Every night I made up my cocktail and injected it. I had heard the side effects were pretty bad, but I didn't really feel much. It could be the fact that I had already been on so many infertility drugs previously, I don't know. But it was a blessing.Every other day I was going in to get my blood drawn and have an ultrasound to check the progress of everything. Then on Monday, May 19 the nurse told me to take the HCG shot to release the eggs and come in on Wednesday for the retrieval.
Here is a super flattering picture of them explaining all the ins and outs of the retrieval. They sedated me and off we went. I was pretty groggy the rest of the day and didn't feel very good, but at least that part was over and we could wait for the phone call to tell us how many they got and how many fertilized.The next day the doctor's office called. They were able to retrieve 24 eggs from me but only 10 of them fertilized. I didn't know if this was good or not, they assured me it was fine and they would watch them grow and let me know.
Saturday we had a tentative appointment for implantation but the office called again and said enough of the embryos were growing they were going to wait until Monday and watch them some more.
Monday we had 2 grade A excellent blastocysts to implant and we were ready to go.
Not much to tell about this part. They took our 2 awesome little embryos and put them in my uterus (where they're supposed to be) and we went home.
We did however, get this lovely photo of our two little buddies. I know all of you are jealous, but you have to pay top dollar to get these kind of photos. Aren't they darling?Nothing more to do than wait. And wait. Two weeks can seriously be forever. They told me not to take an at-home pregnancy test because they can be wrong and make women who are already emotional basket-cases worse. So I didn't.
Then, a week later I randomly met this girl out to dinner who was pregnant with triplets from in vitro. I told her I had just done it and waiting to find out. She told me to go ahead with a home pregnancy test just to see. She said it might be negative and I could still be pregnant, but if it was positive, I definitely was. I wasn't sure whether or not to believe her, but I was having an extremely hard time waiting. So I did it.
The first one I took had a second line. It was faint, but it was definitely there. Two days later I took another one and two days later another one. Each time the line got darker and I got more and more hopeful. A couple of days before my doctor's appointment the nurse called to confirm and I confessed what I had done.She said congratulations!
Matt still refused to get excited until we got the blood results from the doctor. So we waited.
Finally we went in and had my blood drawn. It took them FOREVER to call us back and I was worried. Finally, the nurse called. She told us they were looking for a hormone level of 100 and mine was 1200! So there it was, I was finally pregnant. After years and years, it was finally real!
Two weeks later we went into the doctor's office for our first look at our little "bean". We brought the boys with so they could see it too. The whole journey had been a family affair and we wanted them to be in on it. So Matt and I went back into the ultrasound room and left the boys in the waiting room "just in case".
Right away the doctor found our little miracle and started measuring it and it's heartbeat. Matt and I were thrilled! There it was. Tiny, yes, but it was there. Matt asked the doctor if there was only one (high chance of twins with in vitro) and he said he wasn't sure yet, but at first glance, yes, there was just the one.
So Matt went out to get the boys.
While he was gone the doctor finished measuring the baby and said "oh, there's another one".
Another what? Another baby! Matt came in with the boys and I said "Matt, they found another one". He asked Alex to get out of the chair so he could sit down. He was shocked.
He took my hand and smiled at me. I cried. I couldn't believe it. And yet I could. When we talked about it later, both of us admitted we knew it was twins, but didn't want to think about it quite yet.So the doctor measured the other one and checked it's heartbeat too. Both seemed to be doing well and to be about the right size.
Isaac had been hoping for twins all along and was so happy his "wish had come true". Alex was quiet, but very happy too. It was a great day!
Here is the ultrasound photo of our two little miracles. I had another ultrasound this last week and they're still growing.I am officially way sicker than with the boys and more tired too. But I guess that's to be expected when you've got two little people growing inside you.
I think I'm over the initial shock, but I still love to look at my already expanding stomach and think of the two little lives taking form in there. We prayed and we waited. We learned patience, love, understanding, and many more lessons from this experience. It wasn't easy and and it's not a lesson I would wish on anyone. But looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's helped me and Matt to grow as a couple and it's given me empathy for all the thousands and hundreds of thousands of couples who struggle with infertility.
I have some new challenges coming up with a twin pregnancy and balancing two boys who still need me. Then we'll have two new babies. It will be an adventure, but we're up for it.
In six more months, I'll have my big boys and my babies. It's perfect. It's exactly how it's supposed to be. Heavenly Father knew what He was doing as usual. Hindsight is so much easier than faith in what's to come. I knew this of course while I was going through it, but that didn't make it any easier. But here, once again, I know my Father in Heaven has a plan for me and for my family. He wants what is best for us which doesn't necessarily coincide with what we want. I seem to have to learn this concept over and over again. And I'm sure we're not done. Learning to have faith is one thing we won't ever get a break from. I just hope I'm getting better at it.
This is the end of one road for us, but just the beginning of a new one for our family.
That was so very sweet. I cannot imagine going through it. I have many friends who have and I am so glad yours ended happily.
May God continue to bless you through your pregnancy and that you will have two healthy and happy bundles of joy.
Throwin' out some love to ya, jenny!
Thanks for sharing, Jenny. What an insane/fabulous experience.
I read that whole dang thing. I laughed, I cried.
I'm glad you shared.
I can't wait to meet the twins!
YEAH!!! I am so happy for you guys. You are a great mom and ALL your kids are lucky to have you.
Jenny,
I'm so glad you wrote all this down. It will be a legacy that your family can keep for always. We are looking forward to holding and loving these two precious babies as well as those cute big brothers. We are so happy for your family!
We Love You
I'm sure you will be getting many ultrasounds of the Dynamic Duo, but if you are ever interested in the Fetal Foto stuff let me know...I have some connections in that field! (They can identify gender as early as 15 weeks.) We love you and miss you all! Sending our Aloha! Love Caley and Conrad
congrats Jenny. I am so happy for you.
To be honest with you, I too wondered why you didn't have more kids--you make great parents. I never asked because I know everyone has there own reasons and own story. It was nice to hear yours. We are excited to see your family grow, so keep up with the posts and bring the gang down here again someday!
Gotta say I'm a little teary-eyed. Not gonna lie. Lee & Zee in SD.
Beautiful story! Congratulations and I hope to be seeing preggo pics up here soon. *fingers crossed*. I think the pregnant belly is so beautiful! I'm so excited for you guys!
OH! and btw, I am a handwriting analyst and can tell you what gender they are by 12-14 weeks along. If you're wanting to know, write me and I'll tell you what you need to do for me. reallybusylady@yahoo.com