Posts
So, what is the number one thing that prevents men from being really great dads?
The answer may surprise you...
Moms.
Now, all of you put down your rocks, there will be no stoning today. Allow me to explain.
Moms and dads have different roles. In many homes, dads are the primary breadwinners in that they leave the home during the day due to some kind of external employment. Moms stay home and run things on the domestic front, caring for young ones and tending to their every need. Both different responsibilities, but both absolutely necessary for a functioning household.
But staying home does have it's advantages in the relationship field.
Jenny is an incredible mother. She spends more time caring for our little ones than anyone I know. She feeds, changes, and nurtures our children so they are healthy and happy. She provides quality time and experiences with the kids so that, in turn, they adore her.
What do dads do?
Well, in many cases, dads come home from work and, if they are good fathers, they will play with the kids for an hour or so, then it is time for dinner and bed. Children know and like their dads, but not like they love and adore their moms. They just haven't invested the time like moms. Sure, dads may pitch in with the care-giving every now and then in that they give a bottle before bedtime or perhaps change a diaper or two, but it is nothing compared to moms.
Not to mention we are built differently. Moms come with the "Equipment" to feed the babies, and really, this act of service from mothers provides a bond that will remain unshaken during the infant years. Dudes can't touch this.
When my first tow boys were little, I thought they were great, but I couldn't wait for them to get older. I wanted to throw a football with them. I wanted to "play" with them. I didn't want to just sit there and hold them. Boring. To be honest, I didn't' even really like them when they were little. Jenny would sit and swoon over them. I would happily hand the baby over, of course only to help realize her desire ;)
When Alex got older to where he could actually do stuff, I started becoming interested. We played sports together. We have season sports tickets together. We would read books together. He became one of my best friends. So when Isaac was little, I would always take the older Alex so Jenny could focus her attention on baby Isaac. In reflection, I didn't have much to do with Isaac when he was little because I had Alex and Jenny did everything for the littlest one.
Moms raise babies in such a way that they don't really need dads. When babies cry, they want mom. When they need comfort.... mom. Hungry.... mom. Dads can provide some relief to moms every now and then, but the need is nothing compared to the mother. As a consequence, dads are forced to play catch up in the relationship game later in life or they always remain the distant parent.
If moms allowed/forced dads to do more in the earlier stages of a babies life, then relationships between babies and fathers would be stronger and they would be closer in later years.
Enter Daxton and Elsie.
About 8 months ago, we had twins and everything changed.
The major difference between having one baby and two is that DADS ARE MOMS as well! Mom can't care for two babies all the time so dads are forced to step up their game in the mom category. I rock a baby to sleep every night. I feed a baby at every meal. It seems like I don't ever stop changing diapers. I get a baby dressed in the morning. Wherever we go, I am carrying a baby. I am always responsible for one of them. There is no hand off. There is no break. There aren't many dads who can say this.
Every day.
I am mom.
As a result of my invested time, I adore these babies. I don't want them to ever grow up. I can't wait to see them, to play with them, to hold them. And in return, I think they adore me to! When they cry, they want me. When they are hungry, they want me. When I walk in the room, they climb up on my leg. A smile always breaks across their face when I look into their eyes.
And this is the greatest reward.
I'm sure mom still has me beat, but at least I come in as a close second.
And that is fine with me!
Very sweet post Matt.
So glad one Man at least looks that deeply into the real relationship between a child and their Mom- it is indescribable, but you came close :]
I love to read your posts. You have such great insights.
They are lucky to have you Matt.
Oh now you have me in tears, wow that is so sweet! Glad you are finally enjoying being a baby Dad! what a way to honor your great wife and mother of your children.
Ok, this post gave me mixed feelings. Awesome that you love your babies - and I have seen you with them. They absolutely do adore you.
But the rest of the post - at first, it made me happy. I have this fear that my baby is always going to love dad more than mom. This bonding you speak of between a child and its mother has made me think differently about that.
But, at the same time, my husband happily willing to hand over the baby because he honestly couldn't care much about the baby part... well, it frightens me a bit. I don't want to be the ONLY thing the baby wants. I need to have breaks sometimes - and not because I force the baby on my husband. I want him to want to take his turn too.
Anyway - I'm so glad you are truly happy in your role now. Just know you've given me quite a bit to think about. :) And, I think it's been too long since we've visited. We need to come by soon.